THE WOOLLY MOUSE

A couple of years ago, I wrote about cloning the “Wooly Mammoth. I thought it was interesting and fun, but I had no idea of how serious the “scientists” were about resurrecting this large, wooly beast.

Science has “gone on,” like it always does, continuing to try and genetically engineer animals that have left traces of their DNA. One recent and widely reported “successful” example is the Dire Wolf, a species that is said to have died out 12,000 years ago, although no scientist was around to hear its final death squeak.

The Dallas-based biotech company Colossal Biosciences claims to have cloned three Dire Wolves, now living at an undisclosed site, perhaps right here in Waco, even at Baylor University. The company continues to work on resurrecting the wooly mammoth, as well as the dodo and the Tasmanian tiger.

However, Colossal claims. “We aren’t trying to bring something back that’s 100% genetically identical to another species. Our goal with de-extinction is always to create functional copies of these extinct species. We were focusing on identifying variants that we knew would lead to one of these key traits.” 

That brings us to (or at least toward) the wooly mouse, also of interest to Colossal Biosciences because it is one tiny step towards the reincarnation of the woolly mammoth. Sometimes you must start with small steps for humankind, like those footsteps we planted on the moon, which are leading onward and upward to Mars and, shudder, Pluto. 

Scientists claim that the woolly mouse existed about 4,000 years ago in cold climates. When it migrated to the tropics, some climatologists said it became the “Bare Mouse,” although this is debated by other climatologists, all with PhDs.

The woolly mouse is said, by Colossal, to be a “new species,” and they can fit easily and snugly into the palm of your hand, unless you are ticklish.

I think the scientists may have skipped some important steps in their vigorous engineering stairway and this may, in the long run, affect the wool on mice and mammoths.

They should have started with the cockroach. They have been around since the time of the dinosaurs. They can live for a month without food and two weeks without water. They can also live for a week without their head, and females mate only once, although they stay pregnant for life. Their DNA is water and heat-resistant and has been shown to withstand the radioactivity of atomic and hydrogen bombs.

Cockroaches, therefore, have the kind of powerful DNA that will mix with anything, and they are difficult to kill, even with pointed shoes or shotguns. That is the kind of DNA that will allow them to mix well with the DNA of the wooly mouse, producing the wooly cockroach.

In fact, some historians and science fiction writers believe that wooly cockroaches once roamed the biosphere and were 6 feet tall and competed with the smaller dinosaurs, such as the Microraptor, Compsognathus, and the Archaeopteryx. The cockroaches won. There are now about 4,000 species of them, and any single cockroach has enough wooly DNA to make the mouse a man again.

No, not a wooly man, but a hermaphrodite, beginning with earthworms, leeches, and snails, each with the bits of DNA that would make them wooly. However, imagine the problem of a fish biting into a wooly earthworm or gulping down a wooly snail. 

The wooly cloning possibilities are endless, and the sheep are worried. They grow their wool naturally, without any DNA engineering, and therefore have the pure DNA that scientists need so badly. I understand that there are conferences going on by sheep (with some invited goats) in woolsheds around the world. They are discussing what they should do if scientists decide to de-wool them. It is a chilling prospect. I have heard that sheep despise cockroaches and mice. I can understand why.

I also should mention, for the record, the Salish Wool Dog, also known as the Clallam Indian Dog, with evidence of it found in archeological sites in Salish areas of northwest America. The sites date back some 5,000 years when the Salish people, who did not raise sheep, got their fur from dogs. It was apparently a domesticated dog, and the people sheared enough of its wool to supply them with material for weaving and knitting.

Cloning these dogs could give endless satisfaction to the children of couples who can’t afford wool blankets.

We shouldn’t omit cats either. The Selkirk Rex has a wooly coat, with curls, making it super nice to touch and cuddle. However, these cats are expensive and shed a lot, so they would not be good pets for anyone with asthma.

Moral: You shouldn’t try to pull the wool over the eyes of a sheep, cat, mouse, dog, or cockroach. (Future mammoths are big, so they would not be in danger.)

Karl Franklin